First of all, you should feel great shame about your success. Did you really think I was going to pat you on the back and say, “Way to go, you’ve made the entire country better off with your hard work, investments, and charitable giving”? You are not going to hear such nonsense on my watch! Other than the spending a few of you have made on behalf of my re-election campaign, most of your spending is worthless. America is at a crossroads as we the debate the future of entitlement spending and the appropriate level of taxation. I will not let us retreat and turn back the clock. We must win the future.
What does that mean? Mainly, it means that the money you have isn’t yours. Perhaps you have been laboring under the delusion that your salary and other earnings belong to you and your family. Whoever gave you this idea is obviously a selfish, narrow-minded, right-wing capitalist clinging to his guns and religion. You must abandon such deluded thinking. Any amount from your income that isn’t paid back in taxes is merely what the government decides to give you. It’s not yours and it was never yours. I hope I’ve left no doubt on this point.
Clearly you should have given more careful thought before accumulating your vast ill-gotten wealth. If you had just kept your income to a reasonable level and refused to start up a small business or invest in profitable businesses, the government would have kindly subsidized your kids’ college educations. There is no hope for you now, as your children won’t qualify for any financial aid. I hope you realize just how foolish you’ve been, especially when you sit down to write those huge tuition checks. It may be some slight consolation that many of your children’s college professors will educate them on the benefits of socialism.
Your federal government requires all this money that you never owned in the first place to be “invested” by giving it to more deserving individuals. When such individuals receive an entitlement from the government, they have reached the pinnacle of human achievement. The idea of a self-sufficient individual is an outmoded myth that must be consigned to the scrap-heap of history.
By the way, you also need to understand that the public sector runs everything much more efficiently than the private sector. That’s why Amtrak and Medicare must never be privatized. There is no more efficient worker than the tenured federal bureaucrat. If you don’t understand these truths, I’m not sure why I’m even bothering to try and get through your thick head in the first place.
Since it’s not your money to begin with, how can you possibly complain about my tax and spending plans? It’s quite obvious you don’t care one iota about social justice. Let me be clear about what social justice means. It is definitely not social justice when unemployment is at 5 percent — which economists tell me is the equivalent of full employment — and the stock market and housing prices are booming. This means too many people have private-sector jobs and vital government bureaucracies are being starved. Social justice means, ideally, a permanent level of unemployment over 10% — as in the many wonderful Western European social-welfare states — anemic economic growth and product innovation, but plenty of jobs for highly paid government workers. If the federal government did not attempt to micromanage every aspect of your live, including what food you eat, surely you would be back living in caves and oppressing women and minorities. Speaking of minorities, it is only when a small minority of citizens pay any income taxes and a vast majority are wards of the state that social justice can be proclaimed. If you are not committed to this understanding of social justice, you won’t be able to help win the future. Sadly, you are a barely tolerated inhabitant of our society who truly would benefit from seeing the insides of a re-education facility, or a college campus.
Let me be clear, to avoid being ostracized in polite society, you may want to consider attaching a suitable bumper sticker to your Mercedes, BMW, or whatever gas-guzzling SUV monstrosity you are driving. I will assume you’re a selfish twit who won’t even think about purchasing the exciting electric Chevy Volt. I would recommend either a “Tax the Rich” or “Obama-Biden” bumper sticker in order to leave no doubt that even though you’re rich, you understand that you don’t deserve any of your money.
With this better understanding that I have outlined today, you should feel much better about giving increasing amounts of your income to the federal government. By the way, I would also like for you to stop complaining about my economic policies and so-called negative business climate, and get your capital off the sidelines with new “green investments” that are a sure bet — because they’re subsidized by your tax dollars. While I remain skeptical that you will ever get with the program, I am still president of all Americans, no matter how stupid and capitalistic you might be. God bless America!
C. Scott Litch is the chief operating officer and general counsel for a non-profit association. Scott is a licensed attorney, Certified Associated Executive, and also holds a masters degree in public policy. He is the author of The Principled Conservative in 21st Century America, released in the fall of 2010 just prior to the GOP mid-term election tsunami.