Welcome to the extremely unofficial Daily Caller 2024 Bingo Card, where we predict the best of chaos for the year ahead.
If 2023 is anything to go by, 2024 should be a year of absolute chaos, confusion, stress, fear, shame, humor, unconditional love and the absolute apocalypse of Western civilization. Throw in an already stressful as heck presidential election, and anything could happen. With this in mind, here’s what we totally think* will go down in the year ahead:
Elon Musk, Kim Kardashian Launch ‘Freedom Speech’ Record Label
In 2024, we expect billionaire socialites Elon Musk and Kim Kardashian to launch their very own record label focused on free speech. This will be seen as a genius move for Musk, who really needs to do more to put himself out there in pop culture and present himself as being “down with the kids.” And since Kardashian doesn’t currently have a record label, we assume she needs one?
None of the music produced under the label will be censored, but it will all be created and produced via artificial intelligence and Kim K’s kids. Then Kim and Elon will fall in love and have another load of kids. And those kids are who will repopulate the planet after 2030.
Solar Flares Officially Prove Birds Aren’t Real
A series of solar storms* are forecast for the coming years, so we expect at least one of them to be strong enough to prove, once and for all, that birds aren’t real.
Everyone Joins Panic Over AI And The Apocalypse Months After We Warned You | @DailyCaller
Imagine thinking you’re an expert on something and getting to a conclusion almost a year after this amateur figured it out… https://t.co/Ipy0X9ReAD
— KAY SMYTHE (@KaySmythe) May 31, 2023
Biden Circumvents Harris, Hands Presidency To Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson
Obviously, there’s no way President Joe Biden could possibly run for a second term. His family is far too concerned about his health right now, as well as their own legal issues, to force this poor old man into another four years of work. But instead of handing over the reins to Vice President Kamala Harris, Biden gifts America to Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson in the same way Rupert Murdoch handed his media empire to one of his sons — no one cares which one, they’re all the same.
Taylor Swift Becomes Second VP In History To Say Absolutely Nothing Of Importance, Ever
In her disgust at Biden for picking a bald man over her, a woman, Kamala Harris leaves the Democrat Party to try and join another. She quickly finds no one has any need for her, as a new woman who does nothing has entered the political spotlight: A little-known pop singer named Taylor Swift. (RELATED: Bill De Blasio Reveals His Wife Will Sleep With Other Men While They Still Live Together)
Swift’s success as a VP is profound. Not only does she sing every single one of her policy platforms, but she writes hate songs about all the members of Congress she doesn’t like. Unfortunately, much like her mainstream music, all the songs sound the same.
Gavin Newsom Rips Off His Flesh To Reveal His Secret Identity: The Alien From ‘The Simpsons’
Let’s be honest, would this even surprise you?
*solar storms are actually real, and they are going to get worse as the next few years play out; this part is the only true part of the entire article … we pray.