Hopefully you didn’t notice that Academy Awards took place last night — it would be pretty embarrassing for a real American patriot to have been paying attention.
Oppenhouser this, Killers of the Lunar Eclipse that, this sports columnist doesn’t have the foggiest idea of what went down with the Hollyweird squares last night. He was too busy preparing to present the only award that matters: the Daily Caller John Daly Pre-Memorial Sportsman Of The Year Presented By Scoops Delacroix award.
Now why is the DCJDPMSOTYPBSD award for 2023 being given away in mid-March of 2024, an observant reader might ask. It’s a fair question. Is it because this sports columnist gathered the votes from the highly-secretive Scoops Council in December and forgot to announce the winner until now? Oh no, no. Au contraire mon frere. It’s because this is the ends of awards season. We’re through the NFL season and their fake and bundle of sticks awards. We’re through all the lesser versions of the Oscars. We are now through the Oscars. And like a headlining band or prime-time fight, now that the underlings have warmed up the crowd, we’re ready for the best to close the show.
Here are the five nominees for the 2023 DCJDPMSOTYPBSD award:
CONNOR STALIONS
Former Marine turned low-level football staffer Connor Stalions became the center of the college football world in 2023 for (allegedly) spearheading the Michigan Wolverines cheating operation by spying on opponents signals for Coach Jim Harbaugh. The official story out of Michigan is that Stalions acted as a lone actor by showing up to the games of future opponents to surveil their playcalling signals and violate NCAA rules to give Michigan an upper hand. Michigan haters like this columnist would argue the conspiracy had to go all the way to the top, and Harbaugh did serve some suspension time over the whole ordeal.
Despite some people calling him a psycho, Connor Stalions was actually a high achiever too. What other type of person would be so daring to dress with the gear of another team, and actually be on their sidelines, and on top of that wear video recording sunglasses at night. pic.twitter.com/uLhAP8Cck9
— Ricki Tiki (@Space7not8) November 23, 2023
Regardless, ol’ pappy Delacroix used to say that if you ain’t cheating, you ain’t trying, and Connor Stalions may very well have powered the Wolverines to a national title after years of hitting the glass ceiling.
GAVIN NEWSOM
Say what you want about the Democratic Governor of California and totally not soon-to-be President Joe Biden replacement after a contested convention this summer. Whether you like his governance or not, he absolutely beclowned a small Chinese kid during a visit to Beijing on the basketball court, and as Americans, we should all be able to unite around that patriotic feat.
Dribble charging!
Gavin Newsom,The governor of California is in a primary school in Beijing. pic.twitter.com/NgJf9GRK5E— Sharing Travel (@TripInChina) October 29, 2023
BRITTNEY GRINER
The only thing more impressive than dominating the WNBA purely by being taller and more muscular than everyone else is to do it after spending time in a Russian prison for (allegedly) being a weed fiend. People scoffed at the idea of trading a literal international criminal mastermind named the “Merchant of Death” for a WNBA player accused of domestically abusing her wife, but Griner did come back to average 17 and 6 for a team that won 9 games last year, so eat your hearts out, bigots. (RELATED: Joe Biden’s Brittney Griner Move Is The Most Interesting WNBA Trade Since, Well, Forever)
FAN CHEN-JUN
The Little League World Series really is the peak of American athletic spectacle. A bunch of kids too young to sign up for a Facebook account with overbearing parents competing to peak before high school all while degenerate gamblers cheer them on watching on national television. Perfection.
SOUTH WILLIAMSPORT, PENNSYLVANIA – AUGUST 27: Fan Chen-Jun #17 of the Asia-Pacific Region team from Taipei City, Chinese Taipei pitches during the first inning against the Southwest Region team from Needville, Texas during the Little League World Series Consolation Game at Little League International Complex on August 27, 2023 in South Williamsport, Pennsylvania. (Photo by Tim Nwachukwu/Getty Images)
Fan took over last year’s Little League World Series in a way only a kid that probably isn’t 12 but for legal reasons we will agree he is 21 could. Fan threw for an immaculate inning (striking out all three batters on three pitches each) and touched as high as 81 miles per hour, which is heat that would give a lot of high school hitters trouble. He also helped lead team Taiwan to a third-place finish, narrowly losing to Curacao in the international championship game, and we love that because screw the Chinese Communist Party.
VIDEO ASSISTANT REFEREE
VAR gets a nomination for ruining the English Premier League. Fans have been outraged by the video replay assistant completely ruining the game of soccer in recent years by botching calls and destroying epic moments with reviews, and that deserves commendation because soccer is dumb and England is even dumber. Keep it up VAR.
AND THE WINNER IS…
CONNOR STALIONS!
Stalions truly wanted it more than any other college football staffer last year, and that’s why he deserves this title. The commitment Americans have to college football is truly unhinged and beautiful at the same time, so awarding perhaps the most unhinged man in the sport as our Sportsman of the Year is only fitting.
Conor received all but one first place vote for a final tally of 20 points, defeating silver medalist Gavin Newsom at 13 points and third place finisher Fan Chen-Jun with 9.
Congratulations Connor — whatever legal troubles you may end up facing as a result of allegedly cheating your way to a national title can be chalked up as persecution against Real American Patriots.